I've been putting off this post for a while but I didn't want to confuse anyone so I just wanted to let you guys know the adoption with the boys didn't work out. I don't want to get into the specifics about it due to privacy issues and not knowing who reads my blog but I will say the boys were great kids, it had nothing to do with them, but they were way more than I could handle, Brian was and still is crazy about them, but we are on the same page about our decision.
We are still pursuing foster/adoption, I think one kid is the way to go for me, which is hard in the foster care world because most kids come with siblings. I've thought about this so much and continue to think on it daily. The one thing I realized in our experience is if for some reason this doesn't work out, I'm okay with it. I have a new peace with my infertility. That said I hope it does work out for us, I still long for the proper placement for us, I hope it will happen.
I've been putting off writing about it because I feel a lot of guilt (though trust me, relief trumps all) and I don't need a bunch of judgement regarding it. It's really hard to know someone's experience unless you walk in their shoes. We are all very different people. What you can handle, I may not be able to handle, and the same in reverse. This was the best way to go, all things considered, it happened on our first overnight so nothing was drawn out, they never lived with us, the trauma, I'm not saying it's not there, but I think it's minimal. I've been turning down placements since then because the last thing I want to do is falter again and nothing has hit me with YES I can do that forever (one did but a different placement was found). That said, if we get the right call, I'm in it 100%, and I really hope that opportunity comes along.