As I suspected I had a difficult night sleeping. I did okay until 4am, which is Andy's time to attack Grayson because Grayson is sleeping where he wants to be. Poor Grayson, every night the same thing. After many failed options, yelling at Andy at 4am doesn't work by the way, and Grayson will get up anyway if you move too much or make too much noise, so I usually, every night get up at this time and feed the cats (they are on a "diet" and breakfast is demanded early) and close the door to sleep with no kitties.
Unfortunately this doesn't last. Grayson since he was free from his helpless kitten crate, knows how to "knock" on the door. And he doesn't stop. We tried to outlast him, but he will go forever. And it's loud. So somewhere between 4:30am and 6am I get up to open the door for Grayson when he starts knocking. Most of the time he just wants to cuddle but sometimes he wants to play and then it's harder to fall back to sleep.
Last night Grayson did come back in and cuddle on Brian who was sound asleep but my anxiety got the best of me and I was wide awake from 4am until 8am where I dosed for an hour (I know, I get to sleep in, I know it's not fair).
I've narrowed down my issues and it's not the boys, I'm still as excited as ever to meet them, it's just the way this is being handled. Before we even get to meet the boys it will be over 3 weeks since our placement worker called us about meeting the boys casually in a park. I understand there will be bureaucracy, we signed up for bureaucracy when we decided to Foster/Adopt and it started right out of the gate when we couldn't take the first class series in July we had to wait 3 months because we would miss the first day because of vacation. We get it. I get it. But it just feels like eternity and for something that our placement worker described as "easy" okay, maybe he said, "easier," it's pretty drawn out and the line gets drawn further out every single day.
Next Thursday we are tentatively planned to meet the boys at their home with their foster parents. Also in attendance is the boys' social worker and their Guardian ad Litem. For something that's supposed to be casual it feels like a big deal. It feels like a fishbowl. And from there we are supposed to have more visits and then alone visits and eventually sleep overs and way way down they move in with us and then we foster for 6 months or so and then we can adopt. There is nothing fast or easy about this.
I think I feel like the parent whose kids were taken away. Like I have to jump through hoops and do this and do that and don't have any opinions and don't change anything. Be in a fishbowl for the next 6 or 7 months and you might be a parent. We get these newsletters and they always mention ways we can help them keep foster parent retention and I'm thinking that might be part of it. I don't feel like I have any say in anything. I have to be perfect and take everything thrown at me and not have opinions or thoughts and be a perfect mom when I don't even know how to be a mom. I'm not a mom and now I have to be a mom in a fishbowl. It makes me very anxious and makes me want to give up on the whole thing.
And now I'm crying about it. There has got to be some way not to dump on me, not to tell me how to be a parent and how I need to do this and do that. I have to have some sort of control. Otherwise it's just fake. I'm parenting in a way to make DSS happy and it's not the parent that I am. It's not fair to the kids and it's not fair to me.
I wish I had asked yesterday the following question, "What sort of parents do you think the boys need, what kind of parents would be the best parents for these boys?"
Because to me, this is kind of like dating, like internet dating in its own way. I think instead of beefing up my bio to say I like when kids smear jelly all over my walls and I'm a super energetic mom who can tire the pants off two toddlers it should be something like Brian likes sports and wants to play sports with the boys. He likes to walk and take short hikes. He likes good kid movies like Toy Story. Brian is very funny and very logical. Brian is an amazing problem solver. Lori likes to draw and sculpt. She likes to teach kids math and to read. She loves to cook and entertain. She loves children's books probably more than anything on the earth (except Christmas). She loves water and likes to swim and go to the beach. She loves legos and other engineering toys. She likes nature walks and loves animals. She likes to dance and sing songs. She likes to photograph and would love her kids to be into photography. She also likes her house to be clean (because 3 cats put off a lot of hair quickly) and she likes to decorate. She is feminine and homey, she is a researcher and always wants to know more and do better. Does the kid you are looking for a home for fit in with what we have to offer. Sign us up.
But don't stick a square peg in a triangle hole. Don't say I need to be a square hole. They should know what they are looking for, they've had these kids in custody for over a year. Instead I just feel like I have to cave - I can't make decisions, I can't have expectations. I have to know how to parent super energetic kids, I have to know how to make two kids bond to me.