Wednesday, May 07, 2014

Further Updates

On the meeting on Tuesday they decided they should all meet with us and have everyone ask any questions they might have.  So this morning at 9am our social worker, the childrens' social worker and their guardian ad litem met at our house and we answered questions and asked questions.  I had a list of questions, mostly for the foster parents about daily routines and items the kids would need - booster seats, strollers, etc that wasn't really useful for this meeting but some of our fears were waived including a medical issue that is no longer there, yay, and they are currently living with a cat, yay.

From here sometime next week, I think on Thursday we will actually meet the kids at their current foster home with their social worker and the guardian ad litem and the foster parents so the pressure's on us.  Brian asked me later today how are we supposed to act around the boys and I said I have no idea.  

As far as concerns, well, I want them to see me and run up to me and say Mama, but I doubt that will happen so I hope they like us when they met us.  That's a pretty normal thing I think.

I'm concerned about their energy.  Everyone keeps saying how energetic they are and I'm a pretty calm person, I always have been that way.  I think I pictured being a mom sitting down with crayons or building thing with legos, making things with playdoh.  I didn't really picture 2 toddlers tearing through the house like their butts are on fire.  That's concerning to me.  I know you don't get to choose how your kids turn out they are who they are and I agree with that to some level.  However I think kids somewhat become products of what their parents expose them to.  If we are camping people our kids grow up camping and I assume 99% of the time the kids like it.  If we are artsy people our kids grow up doing a lot of art or playing musical instruments and I assume 99% of the time the kids like it.  If you grow up loving sports and pushing the spirit of competition on your kids they are going to gravitate to those those things and most of the time (unless their parents are asses) they will most likely love it.

So here are two kids that for the past year have been exposed to life a certain way and if things go as they should they will then be exposed to life a different way.  How easily does that change occur and what damage happens psychologically by making changes.  I know what happens when you are 9 because I lived it but what about when you are 3.  I'm so curious had my transition happened slowly would it have been easier for me.  I kind of feel like it would be the same, in some ways I kind of feel like you just rip the bandaid off and get on with it.  Certainly a 9 year old is going to realize one day they are drinking soda for dinner and the next day it's milk, whether it happens day 1 or day 20, it still changed to milk and you hate milk. 

I'm not saying I'm going to crack a whip or anything on day 1.  My goal is to start off everything as close as the same as it is now but things are going to change, there's no doubt about it.  Some things will be good, some things I don't know, will they resent me, do things like that linger?  Will they hate me forever because I won't let them do X, Y, or Z and that's the way it's always been (for the past year) just because that's not how we are?

Some of you are probably laughing at me thinking you don't change kids they change you and trust me I understand that.  I'm just thinking about things from my narrow little unknowing viewpoint.  This is why I wanted a baby, I'd have time to sort out all this stuff, we'd get to know each other before things like this had to be sorted out.  I kind of feel like I'm going though those same emotions from when my parents got divorced/remarried/new families.  I just don't know.  I really need to meet the kids, see how I feel and how they feel,  the unknown is getting to me.

3 comments:

  1. For what it's worth (advice from a complete stranger - who was up a good part of the night thinking about this post ;-) - but someone who is also travelling the road of an adopted 2 year old boy) I want you to know - and your social worker probably already mentioned this but I figured I would throw it out there - the "activeness" of these boys that everyone is most likely anxiety. My guy came to me after a couple of foster placements and he was hell on wheels when he came home. It was constant activity - like the energizer bunny. The only respite I had was when he would sleep. I was so worried that this was how it was going to be forever and there was no way that I, as a somewhat older parent, would ever be able to keep up. During every post placement visit we had with our SW - she would assure me that it was not my child's personality - it was how he copes with anxiety (fight flight or freeze - my bub is a fighter!) It wasn't until about 6-8 months in that I really started to see what his real personality was like. Fast forward 2 years and my kiddo is a gentle thoughtful cautious boy who can still raise cane with the best of them - but it's not every.waking.moment now!

    So what helped the most was sensory integration play. Rice table, water table, sit an spin, play-doh. Anything to keep those little hands busy and would allow his mind to rest. The weighted blanket at night was a life-saver!! Feel free to shoot me a line if you would like some resources.

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