I have tried to write this post so many times, there are like 6 drafts of this very post. It's hard to write a post where you admit you are a jackass. Now that I think about it, maybe I should have just reworked one of the ones I already did but I'm going to try to start fresh again. I'm just going to rip it off like a band-aid. Here goes.
I turned down two boys a few weeks ago. One was two and the other was three. To this day I am so full of ambivalence about it. What the hell is the matter with me?
The reality of taking in two boys just immediately seemed overwhelming to me. I think in my mind I envisioned a call for a three month old, like one kid, to get my feet wet, and I would get some time to adjust to having a kid in the house before having two crazy toddlers and feeling like I'm running a daycare. I felt like I was behind the 8 ball before I even picked them up. And I felt like I would never catch up. I hadn't even met them and this was my initial feeling.
But then later I started feeling like I had made a dreadful mistake. What if that was my one shot and I blew it? So many "what-ifs." And I felt like an ass. I signed up to help some kids that need us and then I turn them down.
This is a difficult journey. It's making me question everything. I hope I figure it out, I hope I get another chance to take in a child. I hope I can figure this out.
Since then there's been nothing, radio silence. I'm just hoping so hard for the best but I have to be ready to accept it when the opportunity comes up. Just say YES. I did finally buy a car seat. We are total ready. No really, this time I'm ready.