Wednesday, April 30, 2014

...The Stretch...

Last Monday, I think, this is what happens when you don't write in a timely manner, but I think it was last Monday we met our new placement worker.  We were his first 90 day evaluation and it went pretty easy.  I believe it was the next day he called me to talk to me about the two boys I had turned down, the 3 and the 2 year olds.  He said I should really reconsider because they were already cleared for adoption and the process would be much easier than the standard fostering with visitations and stressful court dates.  He offered to send me over a photograph and if I was interested we could set up a nonchalant meeting with them and their current foster parents in a park, just to meet them.  I agreed really kind of surprised these boys weren't snatched up already.

Their photograph was adorable and after showing it to Brian and talking about it for like 2 seconds we agreed to meet them.  I called back our placement worker and he was going to get busy setting up a meeting.

It all sounds very exciting doesn't it?  Since then he's spoken to the boys' new social worker and she wanted to review our file over the weekend.  Then yesterday our placement worker called and said there was going to be a meeting next Tuesday where they were going to go over a list of folks interested in adopting and pick the best one.

Though I haven't lost faith in anything and I'm not trying to be down about it, we were so looking forward to meeting the boys and seeing how we got along and mostly talking with the foster parents about their experience.  I thought this would be a sort of simple affair, exciting (!), but simple.  Now it's turned very bureaucratic (and lengthy), and it's fine, but if we are chosen then the pressure is there not to meet them and see how it goes but jump full in and adopt them.  And maybe that's the way it's supposed to be.  If you adopt internationally you don't turn down a placement until you can meet the kid, you freak out and jump up and down and say this is my kid, it was meant to be.  So, I'm trying to go with that.  If every step works out then it was perhaps meant to be, if it doesn't, if we are turned down, that's okay too, maybe it wasn't meant to be.

We both are so excited and we talk about the boys all the time and about how everything is going to change and how exciting and special that is.  We love their little faces and hope so much that they like us.  I know the transition is going to be hard for them (and us) and I want to make it as smooth as possible but even if we are perfect, even if we do everything the right way, it's going to be tough, can you imagine leaving you home and your parents and moving to a new home with new parents and everything is new and different and you can't go back?  They've already done this once and now they have to do it again.  It's heartbreaking.  I can't even imagine. 

But we'll just take this one step at the time.  I just wanted to update my blog.  I was hoping for more exciting news but it really is stretching out.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

More Assured

We met with our new social worker yesterday.  He is brand new at his job though he's worked in a similar field for quite a long time.  We were his first solo 90 day inspection.

My favorite question was if we had running water.

Some interesting facts.  We are our state's 2nd smallest county in size, the eighth largest in population, and we are second in having the most foster parents.  Though they appear to be constantly recruiting my feeling is this is why the wait is so long.  There are slightly over 100 foster parents right now and 4 people handle placements for those families.  That means each social worker has about 27 folks to watch over and provide placements for.

We were told we can't also be foster parents in other counties but our bordering county has very few foster parents, I think less than 10.  I so want to be on that list.  I think maybe we should set a date and if nothing happens perhaps change counties (?).  It feels very frustrating to no one's fault, I just feel like we've been waiting forever and I feel impatient to wait some more.  Though really that's all this is.  Infertility should just be called "Waiting," because that's pretty much all you do.

I just want to change some diapers.  Play some Patty-Cake.

Monday, April 21, 2014

Babies Galore

I looked up the history of the Easter bunny on the drive to my dad's yesterday and it mention that historically the Easter bunny and bunnies in particular (and eggs for that matter) represent fertility.  Following the spirit of that we saw a lot of kids this weekend!

First I made Easter dinner on Saturday and saw my brother's daughter (our youngest niece) for the first time since she was born.  She looks a lot like my brother, mostly I'm sure from the brilliant red hair.  She was still so very tiny, the tiniest baby I think I've ever seen.  I held her for a while, which was just wonderful.  As a brief aside, I've always wanted to have my own baby because I always feel like you have to treat babies like glass, like the parents are panicking the whole time you hold their baby, and then the parents just fling babies around, my brother held her like a football on her stomach with her legs over his arms and she loved it.

When they were leaving my brother held the carrier down to Andy's eye level and I said, "What do you think Andy?  Maybe we'll get one of these one day," and I immediately felt a little sad thinking about this terrible wait we're going through.

Then yesterday we made the long (not really very long but so miserably boring) drive to visit my dad.  My other brother's kids were there.  We haven't seen them since Christmas and my niece can talk now!  They seem a little wary of us, I think they know we're progressive liberals and feel the need to keep their distance.  They had an Easter egg hunt, which was the highlight of the weekend for sure.  Why is it so fun to hide plastic eggs and make children who can barely walk on flat hard surfaces meander through pine straw mounds and over hoses to find plastic eggs pick them up and put them in a pink basket and carry on for more.  We should do this every day!  People should give Easter baskets to their kids to pick up their toys at the end of the day.

Today we got a call from our new "permanent" social worker to schedule a time for our quarterly visit.  I'm so excited to meet our new guy.  Maybe that feeling of being a lost file at the bottom of someone's desk will go away.  It all feels so very positive.

Monday, April 07, 2014

The One Where I'm a Jack Ass

I have tried to write this post so many times, there are like 6 drafts of this very post.  It's hard to write a post where you admit you are a jackass.  Now that I think about it, maybe I should have just reworked one of the ones I already did but I'm going to try to start fresh again.  I'm just going to rip it off like a band-aid.  Here goes.

I turned down two boys a few weeks ago.  One was two and the other was three.  To this day I am so full of ambivalence about it.  What the hell is the matter with me?

The reality of taking in two boys just immediately seemed overwhelming to me.  I think in my mind I envisioned a call for a three month old, like one kid, to get my feet wet, and I would get some time to adjust to having a kid in the house before having two crazy toddlers and feeling like I'm running a daycare.  I felt like I was behind the 8 ball before I even picked them up.  And I felt like I would never catch up.  I hadn't even met them and this was my initial feeling.

But then later I started feeling like I had made a dreadful mistake.  What if that was my one shot and I blew it?  So many "what-ifs."  And I felt like an ass.  I signed up to help some kids that need us and then I turn them down.

This is a difficult journey.  It's making me question everything.  I hope I figure it out, I hope I get another chance to take in a child.  I hope I can figure this out.

Since then there's been nothing, radio silence.  I'm just hoping so hard for the best but I have to be ready to accept it when the opportunity comes up.  Just say YES.  I did finally buy a car seat.  We are total ready.  No really, this time I'm ready.