Monday, August 26, 2013


Sorry it's been so quiet over here.

We made a huge error a few days ago.  We heard a kitten under the house and after various attempts covering a couple of days to see the kitten and feel out the situation Brian decided to go under the house.  It's very tight and scary under there so I felt pretty bad.  Then he made it all the way from the back of the house where the entry is, to the front of the house, where the kitten was and stuck the kitten through the hole in the foundation (if you recall a few years ago the tenant living here stuck her hand through the hole in the foundation and rescued Fox). 

The kitten was way too small.  One eye was shut from conjunctivitis.  Obviously, even if I though the kitten could survive under my care, and that would be a huge question mark, with all the foster/adoption things coming up I think that would be a mistake.  So five minutes later Brian is showering and hacking up god knows what in the shower and I'm crying holding a 2 week old kitten who's sucking on my hand.

Luckily after much panicking we found the mom cat and even luckier she took the kitten back.  Not sure where she took the kitten, probably back to the same spot.  I don't have high hopes for this kitten, but after last summer when EVERY KITTEN DIED except Grayson who we rescued, I don't ever have high hopes for kittens.  We'll just have to wait a month or so and see if he shows up.  That said, all four kittens from the winter group made it, even after disappearing for a couple of months, they all came back.

I've been bottling up some pain lately since finding out my brother's (the other brother) girlfriend is pregnant.  I wasn't as emotional as I usually am with such news and I think I thought I had "grown."  But I was bawling holding that kitten, it was a little too much.  I think what hurt the most is somehow my mom trying to justify it by saying they didn't want to be like me, since she's in her young 30s and this might be her last chance.  I really don't want to think that people are looking at my life and thinking, jeez, I don't want to be like her.  Even if you feel that way, for pete's sake, don't tell me!

That really hurt my feelings. 

I also tried explained that what happened to me is an anomaly.   Most women do just fine having babies right up to 40, no need to rush, no reason to panic.  Every person I know with infertility issues has been able to get pregnant and have babies.  I'm the weirdo who couldn't.  But it's like telling someone, sure I stayed out late and now I'm a vampire, it doesn't mean you'll be a vampire if you stay out after dark.  People are too busy holding a cross up to your face to listen to what you are saying.  Shut up you crazy vampire!  I'll never be like you!


I'm trying to distract myself by planning a Halloween dinner party.  I want to keep my budget low for this.  I spent way too much on the last Oscar party and last year's Halloween Brian's costume got out of control (and didn't need to).  I'm trying to be smarter about it this year.  I enjoyed the French Les Miserables theme for the Oscar party and want to do more themed parties so for Halloween I'm going with the Hunger Games.  As things progress I'll share more, I do have a pinterest board set up if you are curious the direction I'm going.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Updated News

Way on back in May Brian and I finally made a decision to pursue Foster/Adopt.  Do not get too excited just yet.  This is a long process and I'm not sure what's even going to happen.  It could have the potential to be outstanding but it could also be a lot of work for nothing.  I wasn't even going to mention it here but I've been thinking about it and I think it would be good to have a record.  Maybe someone will find me who wants information on what it's like.  I don't know, I wish I could find more information.  People get very hush-hush during the adoption process.

So to catch you up, let's give you a quick rundown to the present.  We met with a social worker at our house on May 14.  He answered any questions that we had and gave us an initial application.  He took some notes on us and told us he would get back with us about this class we have to take.  The application would have been pretty quick.  I had to list some financial stuff that took a little while but the hard part was we needed 3 references who weren't family members.  So we had to contact our friends to see if they would be our references.  This took a couple days to have returned phone calls and addresses and so forth.  Everyone was really happy to help.  I mailed off the application and a week later I got confirmation that the package was received and something was being sent to our references, just so you know, they check those out.  One June 10 we were told the class dates for this quarter and they unfortunately inferred with our annual vacation to the Adirondacks.  Bummer.  We had a whole extra quarter to wait for the class.

August 7 we had another meeting at our house.  This one we were given an outline for our Life Story and given forms to bring for fingerprinting, that we will probably do next week.  More questions were answered.  Looks like the next class in the beginning of October.  Waiting and more waiting.

I started working on my outline and jeez, it's really hard.  I'm (obviously) an over-sharer but I don't think the point here is to share every terrible thing that ever happened to you.  Maybe it is.  I feel like everyone has had bad things happen to them in their childhood.  Certainly no one's childhood was perfect?  Was it?  Brian's life isn't picture perfect but on paper his is much better than mine.  He has older siblings that he can use for most influential people and worst memories things like getting a broken leg.  I don't have that kind of stuff.  Every member of my family has made catastrophic errors in my upbringing.  I made it out fine, I'm a good person all and all, and relatively happy all things considered.  But how do I talk about who influenced me when I don't feel influenced by them and I'm not like any of them.  Oh sure, I have traits, lots of them, but fundamentally I would never do the things my parents have done, the decisions they have made, and the way they treated me.  I don't hold grunges, but I've got this stupid question and I have no idea how to answer it without looking like I had the worst childhood ever.  So anyway, I answered everything and am waiting to go back and revisit it where I can mold it into something prettier.

I mean is my childhood going to hold me back from being a mom?  How much does it influence the kind of mom I will be?  I don't feel like it would but why have questions like these?