Monday, April 23, 2012

Hey, It's NIAW

I really tried with this new blog not to focus on my infertility.  But since it's National Infertility Awareness Week I figured why not take this opportunity to share a little about my story.

I think I've just come to this point where I want to accept my fate and stop fighting against it.  I think I gave it the good fight, the best I could under the circumstances, and now I've pretty much aged out.  I'm 40 years old now.  After 10 IUIs, I've been told by my RE that I'm a poor responder to fertility medication.  And then I found out last month I have endometriosis.  The odds are already stacked against me, trying to get pregnant for over 6 years.  If I couldn't get pregnant all the years that lead to now, it's very doubtful it's going to happen.

There have been a couple of brief moments where I thought we had a shot with adoption but they fell through and damn it hurt way more than I thought it would even in the early stages.  I tend to think that things are happening for a reason and we are being pushed in a direction and though I know it sounds like baloney I'm just tired of fighting against it.  I'm ready to stop fighting the current.  I'm tired and I just want to let go.

I've been trying for quite a while now to accept that I'm not going to be a mom.  All the kid stuff is gone from the house.  I have a few children's books that just feel too hard right now to let go of but maybe one day soon.  But everything else I've worked to let go off.  And most of the time I'm okay.  Sometimes I'm even relieved.  If there's a kid at a store that's acting up, Brian and I both sigh in contentment.

Still, there's a nagging feeling of why?  Why the big set up?  From when I was the youngest I can remember I wanted children.  I loved my baby dolls.  My barbies were always pregnant with cotton balls under their shirt or they had children barbies.  Let's just say they never had careers.  If it was between Veterinarian Barbie and Stay-at-home Mommy barbie, even in the thick of the Feminist 70s, I was going with Mommy barbie.  So why the desire?  I mean, if there is a God.  How much easier to not have the big build up, the wait for true love, the perfect life and bam, no kids for you.  Why not just let me be into something else, anything else?

But, I mean, it's fine, whatever.  I'll just have this shift of everything I've believed in my ENTIRE LIFE and just be me.  Me and Brian.  This is obviously how it's meant to be.

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