Monday, April 23, 2012

Hey, It's NIAW

I really tried with this new blog not to focus on my infertility.  But since it's National Infertility Awareness Week I figured why not take this opportunity to share a little about my story.

I think I've just come to this point where I want to accept my fate and stop fighting against it.  I think I gave it the good fight, the best I could under the circumstances, and now I've pretty much aged out.  I'm 40 years old now.  After 10 IUIs, I've been told by my RE that I'm a poor responder to fertility medication.  And then I found out last month I have endometriosis.  The odds are already stacked against me, trying to get pregnant for over 6 years.  If I couldn't get pregnant all the years that lead to now, it's very doubtful it's going to happen.

There have been a couple of brief moments where I thought we had a shot with adoption but they fell through and damn it hurt way more than I thought it would even in the early stages.  I tend to think that things are happening for a reason and we are being pushed in a direction and though I know it sounds like baloney I'm just tired of fighting against it.  I'm ready to stop fighting the current.  I'm tired and I just want to let go.

I've been trying for quite a while now to accept that I'm not going to be a mom.  All the kid stuff is gone from the house.  I have a few children's books that just feel too hard right now to let go of but maybe one day soon.  But everything else I've worked to let go off.  And most of the time I'm okay.  Sometimes I'm even relieved.  If there's a kid at a store that's acting up, Brian and I both sigh in contentment.

Still, there's a nagging feeling of why?  Why the big set up?  From when I was the youngest I can remember I wanted children.  I loved my baby dolls.  My barbies were always pregnant with cotton balls under their shirt or they had children barbies.  Let's just say they never had careers.  If it was between Veterinarian Barbie and Stay-at-home Mommy barbie, even in the thick of the Feminist 70s, I was going with Mommy barbie.  So why the desire?  I mean, if there is a God.  How much easier to not have the big build up, the wait for true love, the perfect life and bam, no kids for you.  Why not just let me be into something else, anything else?

But, I mean, it's fine, whatever.  I'll just have this shift of everything I've believed in my ENTIRE LIFE and just be me.  Me and Brian.  This is obviously how it's meant to be.

Monday, April 09, 2012

Gotta Go Potty - Week Six

So I'm cleared to do whatever I want.  Good thing because on Friday I helped move a sofa (granted it was an Ikea sofa so it was half as light as a normal sofa) and Saturday I distributed 40 lb bags of dirt in a sad attempt to level out the back yard (so not going to happen).

Sometime approaching my 40th birthday I decided I didn't want to look at my french daybed anymore.  I bought it 100 years ago because I thought it was the perfect kids bed.  And there it sat waiting for a kid for 100 years.  It was too small for a guest bed (it's smaller than a twin believe it or not) and uncomfortable to sit on like a sofa because of the sides so it just gathered cat hair and was one more reminder how I'm not going to be a mommy.

I wanted it gone.

I was going to get a double bed, a respectable guest bed for real live guests.  Then we moved next door and all our extra money went to renovating the blue house.  The more we were here the more I thought what would be great is to have a pull out sofa.  Then we'd still have the space of the room and be able to fold it out for guests.

Then my mom found a perfectly good (well stained and slightly ripped) Ikea sofa being thrown out (oh, rich people).  She got it home and since I knew my mom has 3 extra sofas I said to her if you ever want to get rid of this sofa I'll buy it from you.  And eventually she agreed.  Then there were weeks, endless weeks of trying to organize how to move the sofa over here and move the day bed to her house in an empty bedroom.  Finally Friday Brian and I rented a truck and move it ourselves.

I AM SO UNBELIEVABLY ECSTATIC ABOUT MY NEW SOFA.

It's not a fold out but that's okay.  I can see how I like having a sofa in the space and maybe one day we can buy a fold out if that's what we decide is best of for the space.  The awesomeness is getting the sad daybed out and something to replace it for FREE!

The daybed is gone.  I've been looking at it since I bought it thinking about the kids I would have and the stories I would read them in that bed and now that I'm 40 with 6 years of infertility behind me I don't have to look at it anymore to remind me of the things I don't have.

...Which leads to my segway, because try as you might, somethings can not be escaped...

Yesterday we drove to visit a couple of my husband's college buddies vacationing about an hour away.  This is the scenario that I still have the hardest problem with.  The guys separate to talk about sports and the girls sit together and talk about their kids.  I don't have kids so what do I possible have to contribute to the conversation?  I was literally sitting on this beautiful perfect beach between the guys and the girls completely by myself.  Completely by myself.  It's the weirdest feeling.

I try to remind myself that it's like this for a reason that I'm supposed to feel like this and that I'm going to be okay and though I'm missing out on babies, my life is still going to be great and wonderful and just because I feel moments of intense sadness because I'm not a mom and therefore basically APART, I've felt this way most of my life, I can handle this.  I think I just always thought one day I would feel normal and part of the normalcy of life, but just because I never will doesn't mean everything is terrible.  I'm going to be okay.  I wasn't even jealous of not having kids.  I just wanted to be a part of it, part of the group, part of something bigger than myself.  If I had kids I could talk about my kids, I could say mommy things like gotta go potty.  We could gab forever the sweet anecdotes about our kids because what else would we talk about?  That's all moms do, right?

Eventually Brian noticed me, honestly I was surprised it took him so long, and we walked down to the ocean by ourselves and I watched him jump in the ice cold water.  When we got back I stood with him and the guys and eventually every one moved to the heated pool and then back up to the suite for dinner.

At one point I was sitting with Brian's friend's mom and we were talking and I was thinking to myself yes, maybe older women is the way to go to have things to talk about.  Older women go to movies and travel and have pets and garden, this is perfect.

Conversation got quiet for a moment and then she said, "My granddaughter is a dancer."

Monday, April 02, 2012

Week 5 - Nail Tapping

Wow, I'm only posting once a week.  That really sucks.  Must try to do better.

So, week 5.  The hole where my drain was is still an ugly scab.  The worst part of the whole surgery around until then end.  I also still have glue remnants where they use surgical tape over the incisions.  The tape does not come off.  I even tried using rubbing alcohol via Dr Google and was able to get it of my belly button but my main scar still has some left.  I admit I'm nervous about rubbing alcohol getting on the scar.  I'm just going to wait it out.

I have little to no incision pain.  Even sleeping on my belly is no longer a big deal.  I'm still worried about the cats jumping on me (or my mom's dog).  I've also notice I do get occasional nausea that feels like I'm about to start my period, yet I'm CD14 so there's no way.  I do get relief when I use the bathroom.  It's weird to pay attention to these things.

I'm also ready to do stuff and this is my last week with no lifting anything heavy.  So next week will be great, I can do anything I want.  I did manage to paint the inside of the window that was broken into.  The handyman put in a new window and caulked it but there were tons of spots that needed painting.  Today we had shelves put in the front closet and I just finished painting the shelves and caulking the wood pieces in the closet that hold the shelf up.  I'm always worried about bug hiding places and any cracks that can be sealed with caulk may stop some rogue spider from making a home.  Also, believe it or not, it makes it look better to have a smooth finish.

My immediate to do list is:

Paint the fence white
Transplant hydranges from yellow house to blue house (they will need watering and Brian's mom isn't going to want the extra work)
Paint the office desk armoire (I'm thinking black on the outside and bright turquoise on the inside)