Thursday, December 15, 2011

Party Like It's Next Year

We hosted our annual Christmas party at our house on Saturday.  It was the most calm I've ever felt during a party, from that weird time from 6:30 when I realize I'm not going to have everything ready on time, to about 7:30 (30 minutes into the party) when everything is finally out and taken care of.  This time was no exception and 7 pm rolled around and ALL the food plates on the table were empty and folks were knocking at the door.  I think our timing would have been better but we woke up to the heater not working and waiting for the heating guy and we were pushed back about an hour and a half.

But I was calm and I'm usually so frazzled.  It took a good 15 minutes to get forks on the table, even that part wasn't done (!) and when I realized my giant bag of plastic silverware contained about 150 knives and 4 forks I didn't panic.  Spoons seemed kind of a dumb alternative but you have to do what you have to do.  At the new house our kitchen is completely open to the rest of the house and let me tell you the kitchen was the fullest room in the house.  I was still trying to get things out of the oven and dishes cleaned and folks all around in the way.  The living room, meanwhile, was vacant, it was so weird.  Crowds and crowd behavior amazes me, as an aside.

But everything made it out and everything was wonderful.  A really great party.  At one point I was in the kitchen with my favorite person (I have a friend-crush on one of Brian's friends) and a very sweet lady who loves my decorating came to join the conversation.  They were talking about stress at work and it eased into stress at work and infertility.  I immediately thought of working for my step dad and having my first miscarriage at work and how completely certain I was that the miscarriage was due to the stress of working for him.

And yet I was frozen, I never chimed in.  She said she and her husband had been trying for 2 years with no success, they had been to the doctor and they both checked out okay and still I said nothing.  I'm a veteran at this and I was mute.  I let my friend-crush do all the talking, assuring her everything was going to work out and hopefully she'll be pregnant next year at the party... all the good things you're supposed to say when you aren't Hans Solo frozen in carbonite waiting to wake up either a miracle mom or content as a family of two (plus four cats).  I was thinking what I always think which is I know you aren't going to end up like me because no one ever does.  I don't know anyone like me and I probably never will.  Everyone I know ends up with the baby, I could start a list of blogs but it would be too long.  You're going to be just fine even though that sounds dismissive (god knows, it used to to me) it's not.  Have you tried acupuncture?  I almost said that and then wanted to kill myself on the spot.


  1. As long as you're happy being home, your husband is happy and you can afford it, do what makes you happy. There should be no "shoulds." I am an attorney by education and training -- I gave it up and have never been happier! I love being home.

  2. I have one friend who has been what you have been through and is in her mid-40's now. When I read how you feel, I know this is how my friend feels too. Sometimes you write the things she says out loud to me. I always wonder what I could do or say to be a better friend. :-/ I can't have any more kids and was told this at 30. I guess I was lucky I got married at 20 and then pregnant 5 months later and didn't wait. Of course 20 years ago this same friend said some not so nice things about me getting married and having a baby so young. Life is weird.

    1. Shel, you're making me read my old entries :-) that friend crush had a baby about a year ago, she knew what she was talking about. It's very hard to accept that you're never having kids, it takes years and I'm not even 100% now and I don't always do the right things so your friend is just hurt and jealous and it's hard to be a jealous person. I'm sure she kicked herself after saying those things to you.