Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Lesser

I just removed two of my favorite designer blogs from my Feedly.  It's been coming for a while.  Design blogs used to be the average person (like me!) who likes to decorate their house and wants to share their choices and progress.  But it's not like that anymore.  It's just about making money and I'm over it.

It just feels weird to stop reading a couple of people who you once really adored.  They were like your favorite, you got so many ideas... blogging has really changed.

I think about my blog all the time, which is funny because obviously I never write here.  I always think to myself, just write for yourself, write what you want to write about and stop worrying who's reading it or the insignificance of it.

I have to admit, now that I know I'm living my life without being a mom, I feel a little lesser, a little what to do with myself, a little what matters now, what's important now.  It's a weird feeling to chase something for so long and then it's gone.  The "now what" is taking longer than I thought it would.

I think about all my friend moms on Facebook, they never post anything if it doesn't have to do with their kids.  So you can see how not having kids throws a huge wrench in what the hell am I supposed to write about because that's what everyone my age does.

And yet I still want to write here.  Write somewhere.

Sigh.

Monday, May 25, 2015

The Movie - While We're Young

**Hey Guys, I write posts all the time and I never publish them, I don't know why I chicken out.  But I've decided to go back through them and try to edit them for content and publish them for real.**

We saw the almost great movie "While We're Young," this weekend as part of a rare double feature (the other movie was the brilliant "Ex Machina" where I found out I'm the most naive person in the world: Sure Robot, I'll help you!).  "When We're Young" is so perfect in showing what 43 is like and what 43 with no kids is like.  I mean it's so perfect that I wasn't going to criticize it until Brian was like, they (or he) should have left out all the documentary stuff.  I agree, it bogged down the movie.

**Major Spoiler**

"And," I said, "I wish they didn't adopt at the end."

Brian nodded.

"I just like the idea that there are some functional, happy people in the world living their lives without kids."

But, apparently, it's impossible for a movie to end without the cliched pregnancy or in this case, adoption.

There's a scene where the lead 43 year old childless female, Cornelia, decides to go to a musical mommy class and almost has a panic attack.  And a scene where Fletcher (their friend with kids) describes life with a baby that felt so right to me, like the secret underbelly of parenting that no one talks about.  I wanted more of that, I wanted the movie... I guess I wanted it to be something it wasn't, or started out to be and then finished with A Classic Hollywood Ending.  It would have been nice if they were just jetting off to Italy.  I thought that was the whole point of the whole movie.

Boy was I wrong.

Wednesday, January 07, 2015

Over-sharing, Naturally

This past year has been very valuable and eyeopening and sad and full of relief.  I've been balancing 2 major life issues and they both seemed to cross paths somewhere and take off into opposite directions.

We are crossing into 1 year of being approved to be foster parents.  I wrote briefly about our first experience with 2 toddler boys and we watched a 4 month old girl for about 24 hours a few days before our annual Christmas party.  I think after deciding 2 toddler boys were not for me I requesting a single baby girl and I got exactly what I was asking for.  This baby was sweet and cute and everything you think of when you think of 4 month old babies.  She was not abused or poorly raised, her mom just made a mistake that was very costly.  I realized in those 24 hours that I am just not cut out for this.  Kudos if you are and if you've never experienced the full range of emotions that is fostering you just don't understand.  But I can't do it.  I just can't.  And the thing is, once I realized that, I've never felt more relieved in my life.  Relieved.  It's a strong, powerful, positive word.  So I'm okay with my decision, I am happy.  I am accepting.  I do mourn the loss of not having children of my own, but for the most part, I am okay, childfree isn't the sad, awful world I used to think it was.

So we decided to remove ourselves from the list.  We are in the process of telling everyone, it's a strange conversation to have, so you guys are among the first.

The second major crisis is my mom.  She stopped drinking a while ago, everything feels 2 years ago when you're old, and I think it was longer than that, but for the sake of argument, let's say 2 years ago.  And I think she was aware that alcohol did permanent damage to her.  It's easy to say yeah, a lot of brain cells were lost but you're going to be okay, but it's just not that simple.  I don't want to get into it too much but something happened over the holidays and I realized, I think along with my brother and our small families, that my mom is suffering from a mental illness.  I know you might be thinking, well, yeah, who isn't and that's how I used to feel too, but really, it's a big deal.  It was a huge revelation and the holidays just ended so it's all very fresh but it's scary and sad, I just don't know what the future will hold.

I've had issues with my mom before but I could always blame it on the alcohol.  Heck, I've gone months where I refused to talk to her, these emotions are nothing new, but the problem is there isn't any alcohol to blame it on, this is just who she is now, and it's really hurtful and feels kind of like being pulled inside someone else's rabbit hole and I don't want to be in a rabbit hole, if that makes any sense at all.

I've been waiting for the right time to tell my mom about the fostering.  We have a pact not to sell anything until we tell the other person to see if they want our stuff first, so I'm waiting to tell her so I can sell my baby stuff and set up the front bedroom as a guest room.  I'm trying to decide to go full guest room with a double bed or go partial guest room with a daybed and get like a giant cat tree or something for the cats.  We rarely have guests, a guest room will hardly be used so why take up all the space with a bed when we can do something that might be used in that room.  We both decided we love having the desk in the dining room so I don't think we'll use that room for office space.  I don't know, we'll have to see where this takes us.

Sorry I haven't written in so long.  I consider myself and oversharer when I write and that used to be okay on blogs but blogs have really changed (I know I keep saying that, it's just so sad to me) and I don't feel comfortable sharing such intimate details anymore, though here I am at it again.  I never learn.

Monday, August 25, 2014

The Urban Sprawl

When I met Brian he lived at Morningside and it had this impossibly large lawn.  He was using an old school gas powered lawn mower that we had to take yearly for tune ups.  We used the same lawn mower at the Big House.  The front yard was small but it had the LONG side yard and a pretty decent size backyard.  But when we moved into the blue house, even including the yellow house, the yards just aren't that big.  The lawn mower had a last hurrah and died and we decided to go very old school and get a manual push mower.  Brian thought this was great because he grandfather had this kind of mower and it made virtually no noise and didn't need gas (or mixtures).  We get these like 14 inch sprigs that come up in the grass overnight, I think everyone here has them, and the push mower would just flatten them and they'd pop back up.  So then he started using the electric trimmer as a lawn mower and then Brian hurt his back (mostly from using the trimmer for an hour or so) and we were kind of stuck, something needed to change, you cannot mow 3 yards, however small, with a trimmer.

I did some research and decided that a battery mower was the way I wanted to go and upon further research I definitely wanted a lithium battery, they last longer and are easier to deal with.  The lithium decision made the mower pricier, so we waited until finances looked good and I got one on Amazon from the Warehouse Deals (I highly recommend this option when available, I've never had an issue, and you can save around 20% usually). 

We love this little lawn mower.  I've always been afraid of regular lawn mowers and the push mower was just frustrating to use, but this mower is very quiet (like a loud fan) and because it has a bag nothing ever flies out of it dangerously like a regular mower.  We like it so much we decided to ditch our electric trimmer and it's 100' cord (the reason I didn't buy a corded mower the cord is way more of a pain than you think it will be) and buy the trimmer that uses the same battery (also through the Amazon Warehouse Deal) and I didn't need another battery so I saved extra money.

I just can't express enough what a treat it was to mow the lawn yesterday with our new toys.  So if you're in the market, these I highly recommend.  I'm not compensated at all for this post, I just like to share things that I really like and hope I can help you guys out.


Black and Decker Cordless MowerBlack and Decker Cordless Trimmer

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Hypothetical Question

So let's say you decide to buy your 15 year old kid a brand new car.  And the car's just sort of sitting there waiting for the kid to turn 16.  And a relative says hey you're not using the car and I need a car, can I borrow the car until your kid turns 16.  Is this fair?  I mean, the fact that the car is brand new, and you paid extra to have a brand new car for your kid, and now someone's going to use the car and it won't be new anymore when you give it to your kid or does that not matter, should the important thing be that your relative needs a car, you have a car that you're not currently using, and you should help that relative out?  Certainly if the car was used you wouldn't care but the fact that it's new, you paid extra to have new car, and you bought it new on purpose to have something new to give your kid. 

What do you guys think?  Is it crazy?  How would you feel?

Monday, August 18, 2014

This Old House

We finally broke down last night and called the AC company.  Unfortunately we got the service guy who always complains about our unit and our house.  It's such a downer.  I can't help that our AC unit is next to the deck.  I can't help that our crawlspace is 20 inches tall (at best).  I know it's a nightmare, but it is what it is.

He's out there for like 5 minutes and comes in and says it's the return duct work.  Brian's all IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT IT COSTS and I'm like SHUT UP DUDE.  He's supposed to call later today and I didn't want to give Debby Downer my number so he could tell me it'll cost $800 to repair and I have to make that decision so poor Brian who has a jury trial tomorrow will get his call in the middle of all that.  I did not live up to my wifey duties, however, I can't deal with this guy.

This whole summer we've been debating whether the issue was the return (what I think because it won't suck up paper and hardly any dust or hair) or the ductwork (what Brian thinks because the air is weak, yet cold).

When the repair man leaves Brian said, "You said, 'I knew it!' when he said it was the return but it was the duct work."

And I said, "Yeah the duct work of the RETURN, so I was right."  Really, we were both right though I think Brian thinks he's right.  If he was so sure then we should have just called the handyman to repair the duct line, now we're already $89 (service call) invested in this guy jacking up the repair cost because he hates our house.  I thought it was going to be more than the duct work because we just had some duct work replaced at the beginning of the summer.  But we think it happened after that because the air was working ok for a while and then it's progressively gotten worse.

Luckily this summer has not been very hot but my power bill was almost twice what it was last year at this time (in units used) so it's still a pretty big issue that has to be resolved.  Today the heat index is supposed to be in the 100s, so that sucks.  Our bedroom is still nice and cool thanks to our window unit supplementation. 

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

News From a Fancy Bedroom

It took me a while to make a decision and I'm certain Anthropologie is going to come out with to-die-for sheets any moment now, but after much consideration I decided to go with these turquoise polka dot sheets from Garnet Hill.  From time to time I get a 20% off coupon and I waited like a week and could wait no more, I did luck out with free shipping.  I hope we like our new sheets!


In related news, you probably know this about me especially if you follow me on Twitter and/or Instagram but I get a little over-angry when certain bloggers do posts like how to style your bedroom end tables and they put out fresh flowers and delicate objects all snooty like this is how all bedroom tables should look all the time.  Especially bloggers I KNOW HAVE CATS.  Because you know if you have cats, you cannot do anything fancy with most of your table tops.  Because this happens almost immediately:



There is an alarm clock on my end table and it's attached to the back of the table with one of those cord cover nail things.  That's all that's on the table unless you want to wake up to it on the floor.  I just want to see these decorating blogger with cats real end tables.  It would be so satisfying.